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WithAmandFra

An Eviler Evil

AN: I didn't end up continuing last week's plot. I was but, well, my characters wouldn't cooperate. I hope the three prompts are visible in the piece :D I also apologize for my naming, I couldn't think of anything else. Enjoy! 


 Remorse had no place in his life. Frankly, David thought that feelings of any sort were absoluetely useless and only served to keep him from getting anything done. In an occupation like his, any weakness had a good chance of landing an excellent employee into the nearest prison. Still, there were times when even he couldn't stomp out all the guilt he felt.

It was a Friday night. On top of the old Miller building, David was watching the aftermath of, what was on his part, a job well done. Twenty stories down, he could clearly make out the still figure of Fernando Giovanni sprawled lifeless on the bloodied pavement. That was David's doing, of course, and there was no doubt in his mind that he had done the world a favor.

But as much as he despised Giovanni, David couldn't take his eyes away from the little girl who was shaking the corpse in  desperation. David had seen her walking hand-in-hand with Giovanni minutes before he fired the bullet. Now, from twenty stories up, he could pick out her cries from the growing din of the spectators surrounding the body.

"It won't be long before the cops get here, you know."

The speaker, David's accomplice, stepped up beside him and joined in watching the scene. The man, Paul, served as a lookout for him on most jobs and served as a back-up in case David failed on an assignment.

"We have time," David replied, keeping his eyes on the girl who was now screaming for her father.

Paul noticed the expression on his face. "You didn't expect him to be with a kid, did you?"

He shook his head.

"Neither did I," Paul admitted. "I didn't even think disgusting scum like Giovanni could be a father."

In his mind, David had to agree. He knew Fernando Giovanni to be many things, from drug lord to philanderer, from murdurer to thief. Being a father didn't fit into any of that and, frankly, he wouldn't have still believed otherwise if proof wasn't staring him in the face.

"She's only got to be around seven, or eight," Paul thought aloud. "What do you think?"

"Younger than that," he answered succinctly. David wasn't in the mood to talk and Paul's attempts at conversation only irritated him.

His accomplice appeared to take this hint and didn't say anything more.

The silence, though, did nothing to help David's mood. It only forced him to think about the fact that he had just left a kid fatherless. And the more he thought about it, the more it wouldn't leave his mind.

He had to stop now before he made himself completely useless.

"Paul, let's go," he said, finally forcing himself to look away from the scene. The other man nodded and they turned to head down the building's roof level.

"You okay?" Paul asked as they descended the steps.

He nodded. "I'm fine," he replied. "Completely fine."

It was a lie. David knew it wasn't the last time he would be thinking about Giovanni's little girl. It would be a while before he could finally smother the sound of her crying in his mind. He would do it eventually, or go insane trying. Remorse had no place in his life.

Comments

Hey, you have to stop apologizing in your Author's Notes! I keep telling you that you are doing a great job, and I think you just have to get some confidence. Every week shows leaps and bounds. Keep up the good work. I'm rooting for you!
It's an awful tendency of mine, really. I'll work on that confidence. Thank you very much. Your encouragement means a lot :)
You know what? Sometimes I still apologize. We are our own worst critics! But know that you are in a safe place with fellow writers who respect that you are doing your best, and we like you! No need to be shy; we've all been there before (and some of us are still there).
I'll do my best to remember that. My mind is my on worst enemy, but I'll get past it someday. Hopefully soon. It's great to know that I have people (in BF, mostly) seeing the potential in me and looking forward to my progress.

Thank you again :) You've helped me so much with these comments.
You know, I think I'd actually be more interested in stories from this timeline. I think.

Just saying.
Glad to know :) I wasn't planning to continue this but hearing that, I'll think about how to write more on it.

Thanks for telling me!

the phouka goes ROAR..politely

first of all, listen to keppiehed and stop apologising. Your story is your child, getting all grown up and ready to walk down the block all on their own.

I have never been an assassin myself. I would wonder though why he would carry out an assassination when there was the potential for collateral damage. However, rather than lead me away from the story it intrigued me as to why he carried through with it. Which is a mark that the rest of the story was well written. I want more.

Re: the phouka goes ROAR..politely

I will, thank you for the advice. I really should just let the story stand on its own. :)

I've been thinking about continuing this just to make this more clear so I'll keep what you said in mind. Maybe it's something I can answer in the next installment of this story. Thank you again :D

EDITOR

Hey, OL! We meet again on the editing field. It looks like everyone else tagged you on the apology, so all I’m gonna say to that is word, ditto, and carry on. *grins*

Anyway, your edit:

Remorse had no place in his life.

NICE setup line here! I think the biggest trick to making that intermediate prompt work as selecting a line that was general enough to work as opening and closing, but that also gave you a place to expand from. You did that perfectly here, well played!

Frankly, David thought that feelings of any sort were absoluetely useless and only served to keep him from getting anything done.

Love the building of character here. The reader gets an immediate sense of how cynical David is and it makes them question the causes behind it. One tiny spelling error here: “absolutely”. I hate typing that word. Just misspelled it this morning in a comment reply and was like, “Uuuugh… damn all those L’s and E’s!!!” But just try (if you’ve the time) to toss your work through a quick spell check and that’ll take care of things like this.

On top of the old Miller building, David was watching the aftermath of, what was on his part, a job well done.

I get what’s being relayed here, but the structure makes it read a little broken and rough. Considering moving that little addendum part (“what was on his part”) to the end and rephrasing it to work, maybe something like “—for his part, at least.” That way it not only reads more cleanly but it ALSO provides a bigger impact and gives the reader a hint that maybe David’s job is something a bit more sinister than corporate espionage.

That was David's doing, of course, and there was no doubt in his mind that he had done the world a favor.

Excellent line! I love how he’s almost flippant about killing the guy, how he justifies it without giving details. I don’t know if you’ve plans to continue this any further, but you’re definitely setting yourself up for that. Nice work!

The speaker, David's accomplice, stepped up beside him and joined in watching the scene. The man, Paul, served as a lookout for him on most jobs and served as a back-up in case David failed on an assignment.

These sentences have very, very similar structure at the start. I don’t think the second sentence really needs to have “The man” in front of it. You’ve already acknowledged Paul’s presence by identifying him as the speaker, so consider starting the second as “Paul served….”

"We have time," David replied, keeping his eyes on the girl who was now screaming for her father.

He knew Fernando Giovanni to be many things, from drug lord to philanderer, from murdurer to thief.

Another small spelling error: “murderer”

He had to stop now before he made himself completely useless.

Again, excellent line. But what I love even more is your use of isolation to really make this line and the sentiment behind it pop. Wonderful structural choice!

He would do it eventually, or go insane trying. Remorse had no place in his life.

And… cue a perfect closing! VERY well played this week, OL. As keppie above said, you are seriously improving week after week. It’s incredible and you should be VERY proud of all the work you’ve accomplished. Marvelous job!

The only real things I had for you are very small, minor details – and, I’ll be honest, that’s probably all I WOULD have found even if you’d asked for a NHB edit. This was very cleanly written overall, with proper use of grammar and punctuation. You knew when and where to use structure to your advantage, your word choice was spot on. There was just enough information about the characters to let the reader know who they were without tipping your hand too much. I am suitably impressed, m’dear. Keep up the amazing work!

Re: EDITOR

Nice to see you again :) *bows head in humility* I've learned my lesson.

Oh, that first line took forever for me to setup. I constantly changed it back and forth in my head for at least two days. I'm glad to know that payed off.

One week it's missing words, now it's misspells. It's funny that seem to have at least one tendency in writing errors every week. Thank you for pointing those out :D

And thank you, most of all for the heartwarming words of encouragement. I'm really glad to know I've been improving these past few weeks. I'll be working hard to keep it up :)

Hey, I'm your ROAR reader this week!

It was a Friday night. On top of the old Miller building, David was watching the aftermath of, what was on his part, a job well done. Twenty stories down, he could clearly make out the still figure of Fernando Giovanni sprawled lifeless on the bloodied pavement. That was David's doing, of course, and there was no doubt in his mind that he had done the world a favor.

But as much as he despised Giovanni, David couldn't take his eyes away from the little girl who was shaking the corpse in desperation. David had seen her walking hand-in-hand with Giovanni minutes before he fired the bullet. Now, from twenty stories up, he could pick out her cries from the growing din of the spectators surrounding the body.


I liked this description and the tone.

It was a lie. David knew it wasn't the last time he would be thinking about Giovanni's little girl. It would be a while before he could finally smother the sound of her crying in his mind. He would do it eventually, or go insane trying. Remorse had no place in his life.

I liked the ending.
I finally read this! :D Sorry I took so long to read :(
I love it (as you know I love everything you write anyway) Feeling super bad for the kid, and I'm sure David feels horrible about it. Every man killed leaves family behind--that's what David should think about before he kills, if you ask me. That's what ANYONE should think before they kill.
Any, great job! Awaiting your next piece xD
*huggles* (yes, I used it to annoy you)

Thank you so much :) Well, he doesn't really want to think about it seeing it could make him all soft and hesitant and feel guilty and etc.

But you're right. Aloha means family, and family means... =))

>:D